Learning to Let Go: Finding Hope in an Empty Nest

     

Isabella and her college friends jumping for joy.

     After a full 28 years of intensively parenting three children (and being involved with a number of their associates) I find that I have worked myself out of a job. One might argue that this is generally a good thing as the work was done well enough  (exceeds expectations!) that the task was completed generally at or above company standards and therefore my services are no longer needed.  Yes, yes I understand that I will be kept on as a private consultant, perhaps into perpetuity, but we all know how that goes.  Working for yourself is filled with pitfalls.  But perhaps there are bonuses too? 

     I’ve been thinking about the whole concept of an empty nest and wondering about our cultural obsession with getting the kiddos out of the house into a successful life of independence and consumerism as soon as possible.  Since the beginning of time families have lived together in groups that included (but were not limited to) parents, children, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and those orphan friends with “noone”.  While this model still holds in many developed countries we in the USA are bombarded with stories of kids who left home, came back, left home, came back and then stayed, much to their parents chagrin, sometimes needing a professional to kick the kid out again.  See the Sarah Jessica Parker movie about this very phenomena “Failure to Launch” for a sad commentary about our relationships with young adult children.  This fear of our progeny willfully refusing to become productive adults could be understandable if one's adorable young adult is irresponsible, disrespectful, unable to hold down a job or finish a degree program whilst you slog away supporting him or her in the manner they have come to expect.  It’s difficult to see a 6’ tall twenty something lying on the couch calling to mom or dad for Doritos and Coke who says “I’ll do it later” when asked about job searches and graduate school, not to mention household chores and family responsibilities.

     But what about families where this is not what is actually happening?  In my case my lovely middle child, Isabella, flew away to college at age 18 and then, having graduated (brag alert!) Cum Laude with her Biology degree, promptly came back home to perch in our roost.  I was ecstatic!  I still am.  She functions as a full adult in our household and while working 40 or more hours a week at a demanding emergency Veterinary clinic, manages to follow her own interests in both riding and training horses, helps with all household chores with absolutely no complaint, will do the grocery shopping,  and other necessary tasks and pays her way fully. She is a delightful companion enjoying many of the same activities that I do, and we find much to discuss about our worlds, both inner and outer on a daily basis. We were talking about her future as a (probable) Veterinarian the other day and I said to her “ I could imagine us living together for a very long time, it’s so easy and such a pleasure. But I suspect it’s not what’s best for your development right now.”  She replied saying “I feel the same way, and I think you’re right.”  And there it is.

     As blissful as living with her is, our tenure as compatible intergenerational roommates will be ending soon as she takes off for Veterinary School in Colorado and forges a household of her own.

     My eighteen- year -old Finian, has a different star in our family constellation. Although he just graduated from high school in May, this child has clearly taken on the role of “man of the house.”   (And I’m not going to unpack that phrase right now, let’s just take it at face value.)  More and more I see him taking on the essential tasks of a semi-rural householder, horse care, gardening,  and household maintenance and repair often unasked, and completed to increasing higher standards.  He’s the best at diagnosing mechanical issues and has been so helpful at problem solving around a multitude of mysterious swimming pool chemicals.  His expertise at all things computer and remote is unparalleled and I shudder to think how I will manage without him. Many emergency calls will be placed asking for how to use the x-box/dvd player I imagine.  Yes, I can also imagine a life where he were to live here too.  We get along that well.  Yet, 18 is a wonderful time to spread your wings and experience the world in all of it’s confusion and all of it’s wonder.  I want that for him. I want him to get his fill of the wild and wonderful freedom in the greater universe and then hope springs eternal in this mother’s heart that he may one day return and settle nearby.

     Beyond my children’s abilities to function as budding adults in their own right, is our essential deep-running familial connection.  As one who has long ascribed to attachment-parenting theory, I find that I enjoy my children, our conversations, our activities, and our lives together.  Meeting their needs as babies, children and now young adults, has been a wonderful privilege and feels like nothing as much as pure pleasure. They truly give as much as they have received and I am grateful for their gifts and the truth that we really really like each other as people.

     Even so, I find that all of my children (Jackson, the eldest having left 7 years ago) are departing to continue their growth as independent adults and this leaves me with an empty nest, as much as I may long for it ever to be filled by these fascinating people that I have come to love with such devotion and joy.  What to do? Find hope and inspiration in an entirely new way of living. While I genuinely support the idea of intergenerational living broadly, and for myself and my children specifically, this is not our path at the moment. 

      For me, living alone for the first time in almost three decades will be a new experience.  I enter into it with both trepidation and excitement.   There are of course the smaller joys:  those dishes I wash will only be mine. That laundry isn’t likely to pile up so fast.  Skinny-dipping in my backyard pool is now possible, I’m not saying it’s probable, but I could and isn’t that fun to think about? Plans can be made without many texts sent first to see who is going to be where and when. But there is also a larger view.  Knowing I have a passing grade on raising the kiddos, can I now relax into feeding the interests and passions that I’ve put on hold lo these many years?  Without curfews to monitor, food to buy and prepare and keeping track of college applications, transportation needs and the daily delightful diversions of living with people I find so inherently interesting,  will I  make more time to write and to reflect?   To at last take that long-term trip around the world?  And lastly now that I am not actively caring for persons in my own home will this free more energy to care for those who live in other places, near and far? 

     The premise of this blog is to explore how one person can make a difference in the world.  I posit that by raising three caring, connected, ethical, hard-working, and compassionate human beings that I may have made a difference as they go out into the world and do their work.  I hope to do more myself though.  I’m not exactly sure how this will come about, but I love this quote from Helen Keller:

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."

     This coming year will be a year of exploration with many trials and error no doubt.  I’m choosing to enter into this new stage of life with optimism and a willingness to make mistakes. To try and fail and try again.  While I’m not certain what’s next I know that I am surrounded and supported by a world that is interesting, lovely and filled with good-hearted people to walk with me on my journey. I am very interested in the journeys of others who have traveled through their own “empty -nest” periods and while I have found a number of blogs devoted solely to this life-stage, I’m more interested in stories from the street.  I would love to hear yours!

What are you doing to make a difference for the world?  One small thing.  Please continue to send me your ideas and thoughts.

Namaste,

Felicia