Learning to Let Go: Finding Hope in an Empty Nest

     

Isabella and her college friends jumping for joy.

     After a full 28 years of intensively parenting three children (and being involved with a number of their associates) I find that I have worked myself out of a job. One might argue that this is generally a good thing as the work was done well enough  (exceeds expectations!) that the task was completed generally at or above company standards and therefore my services are no longer needed.  Yes, yes I understand that I will be kept on as a private consultant, perhaps into perpetuity, but we all know how that goes.  Working for yourself is filled with pitfalls.  But perhaps there are bonuses too? 

     I’ve been thinking about the whole concept of an empty nest and wondering about our cultural obsession with getting the kiddos out of the house into a successful life of independence and consumerism as soon as possible.  Since the beginning of time families have lived together in groups that included (but were not limited to) parents, children, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and those orphan friends with “noone”.  While this model still holds in many developed countries we in the USA are bombarded with stories of kids who left home, came back, left home, came back and then stayed, much to their parents chagrin, sometimes needing a professional to kick the kid out again.  See the Sarah Jessica Parker movie about this very phenomena “Failure to Launch” for a sad commentary about our relationships with young adult children.  This fear of our progeny willfully refusing to become productive adults could be understandable if one's adorable young adult is irresponsible, disrespectful, unable to hold down a job or finish a degree program whilst you slog away supporting him or her in the manner they have come to expect.  It’s difficult to see a 6’ tall twenty something lying on the couch calling to mom or dad for Doritos and Coke who says “I’ll do it later” when asked about job searches and graduate school, not to mention household chores and family responsibilities.

     But what about families where this is not what is actually happening?  In my case my lovely middle child, Isabella, flew away to college at age 18 and then, having graduated (brag alert!) Cum Laude with her Biology degree, promptly came back home to perch in our roost.  I was ecstatic!  I still am.  She functions as a full adult in our household and while working 40 or more hours a week at a demanding emergency Veterinary clinic, manages to follow her own interests in both riding and training horses, helps with all household chores with absolutely no complaint, will do the grocery shopping,  and other necessary tasks and pays her way fully. She is a delightful companion enjoying many of the same activities that I do, and we find much to discuss about our worlds, both inner and outer on a daily basis. We were talking about her future as a (probable) Veterinarian the other day and I said to her “ I could imagine us living together for a very long time, it’s so easy and such a pleasure. But I suspect it’s not what’s best for your development right now.”  She replied saying “I feel the same way, and I think you’re right.”  And there it is.

     As blissful as living with her is, our tenure as compatible intergenerational roommates will be ending soon as she takes off for Veterinary School in Colorado and forges a household of her own.

     My eighteen- year -old Finian, has a different star in our family constellation. Although he just graduated from high school in May, this child has clearly taken on the role of “man of the house.”   (And I’m not going to unpack that phrase right now, let’s just take it at face value.)  More and more I see him taking on the essential tasks of a semi-rural householder, horse care, gardening,  and household maintenance and repair often unasked, and completed to increasing higher standards.  He’s the best at diagnosing mechanical issues and has been so helpful at problem solving around a multitude of mysterious swimming pool chemicals.  His expertise at all things computer and remote is unparalleled and I shudder to think how I will manage without him. Many emergency calls will be placed asking for how to use the x-box/dvd player I imagine.  Yes, I can also imagine a life where he were to live here too.  We get along that well.  Yet, 18 is a wonderful time to spread your wings and experience the world in all of it’s confusion and all of it’s wonder.  I want that for him. I want him to get his fill of the wild and wonderful freedom in the greater universe and then hope springs eternal in this mother’s heart that he may one day return and settle nearby.

     Beyond my children’s abilities to function as budding adults in their own right, is our essential deep-running familial connection.  As one who has long ascribed to attachment-parenting theory, I find that I enjoy my children, our conversations, our activities, and our lives together.  Meeting their needs as babies, children and now young adults, has been a wonderful privilege and feels like nothing as much as pure pleasure. They truly give as much as they have received and I am grateful for their gifts and the truth that we really really like each other as people.

     Even so, I find that all of my children (Jackson, the eldest having left 7 years ago) are departing to continue their growth as independent adults and this leaves me with an empty nest, as much as I may long for it ever to be filled by these fascinating people that I have come to love with such devotion and joy.  What to do? Find hope and inspiration in an entirely new way of living. While I genuinely support the idea of intergenerational living broadly, and for myself and my children specifically, this is not our path at the moment. 

      For me, living alone for the first time in almost three decades will be a new experience.  I enter into it with both trepidation and excitement.   There are of course the smaller joys:  those dishes I wash will only be mine. That laundry isn’t likely to pile up so fast.  Skinny-dipping in my backyard pool is now possible, I’m not saying it’s probable, but I could and isn’t that fun to think about? Plans can be made without many texts sent first to see who is going to be where and when. But there is also a larger view.  Knowing I have a passing grade on raising the kiddos, can I now relax into feeding the interests and passions that I’ve put on hold lo these many years?  Without curfews to monitor, food to buy and prepare and keeping track of college applications, transportation needs and the daily delightful diversions of living with people I find so inherently interesting,  will I  make more time to write and to reflect?   To at last take that long-term trip around the world?  And lastly now that I am not actively caring for persons in my own home will this free more energy to care for those who live in other places, near and far? 

     The premise of this blog is to explore how one person can make a difference in the world.  I posit that by raising three caring, connected, ethical, hard-working, and compassionate human beings that I may have made a difference as they go out into the world and do their work.  I hope to do more myself though.  I’m not exactly sure how this will come about, but I love this quote from Helen Keller:

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."

     This coming year will be a year of exploration with many trials and error no doubt.  I’m choosing to enter into this new stage of life with optimism and a willingness to make mistakes. To try and fail and try again.  While I’m not certain what’s next I know that I am surrounded and supported by a world that is interesting, lovely and filled with good-hearted people to walk with me on my journey. I am very interested in the journeys of others who have traveled through their own “empty -nest” periods and while I have found a number of blogs devoted solely to this life-stage, I’m more interested in stories from the street.  I would love to hear yours!

What are you doing to make a difference for the world?  One small thing.  Please continue to send me your ideas and thoughts.

Namaste,

Felicia

A Life-time of Dedication to Art: Finding Hope in Sharing Music with the World

“Music is ... A higher revelation than all Wisdom & Philosophy” 
― Ludwig van Beethoven


"Beautiful music is the art of the prophets that can calm the agitations of the soul; it is one of the most magnificent and delightful presents God has given us."

-Martin Luther

Judi Strayer at her Tucson home.

Throughout my life I have had a number of role models for living a service oriented life.   I was told in many ways from my earliest years that serving others was one of the very most important acts I could undertake.  I witnessed my parents and grandparents acting for the good of others in their communities and then later found caring teachers and mentors who also modeled self-less service as a worldview as well as a way of life.

As a teen and then later as an adult I propelled myself into the world of active volunteering in numerous ways. Through the years I have served in nursing homes, sheltered workshops, for animal welfare and rescue organizations, with philanthropy organizations, as a midwife and as a parent of three children I did what a parents often do and became the team-mom, the girl scout leader, the soccer coach.  Now I give my time in the areas that feel so very nourishing that I might pay to participate.  It’s that easy!  Working with special need children and veterans as a horse-handler at TROT (Therapeutic Riding of Tucson) or monitoring transects for predator tracks with Sky Island Alliance fit my interests and abilities so well that it is pure pleasure to do so.

I once had a teacher in my yoga teacher- training program who said “there is no truly altruistic or selfless act”.  I argued vehemently about that initially but over time I realized that this is probably true.   If I am “serving” whether through paid work or through volunteering, ostensibly to care for others, what do I get from this?  A lot.  And when I speak with those I interview for this blog everyone agrees.  Serving then benefits us all in countless ways hard to quantify or even to qualify.    

I have found that while some, participate by “serving on the side”, others have made it their path, whole and complete.  There are those who live to serve and find serving to be the greatest meaning of their lives.

Judi Strayer of Tucson is one such person. I first met her over eleven years ago when my daughter Isabella picked up the violin as her first instrument and Judi became her teacher.  Through the years our relationship with Judi has grown and she has come to feel like an important part of our family constellation. I have always been taken with her consistently calm, peaceful  and accepting manner and through many conversations over the years have come to know her as a friend as well as my daughter’s esteemed mentor and teacher.

Judi, a second generation American, was raised in the Hood River area of Oregon in a small community of European immigrants who homesteaded there.  Her Finnish and Swiss-German grandparents had a large part in developing the Columbia River area as well as Portland, OR.  Her family's name can be seen imprinted on many Portland sidewalks left over from the time they were actively helping to build that city. Part of a tightly knit Presbyterian church community Judi grew up spending Sundays at church.  She babysat in the church nursery during services and hung out in the youth group. Her mother was a talented singer and pianist and it was through her that Judi learned to love music and performing.  Her mother was so gifted that she was given the opportunity of studying and singing abroad while Judi and her siblings were small.  She refused the opportunity not wanting to leave her young children.  Judi remembers that while growing up she thought that a house was not a real home unless it had a piano and was filled with music.  She has hours of stories to tell about her highly interesting Finnish/Swiss family and I could write pages. Suffice it to say that her family has clearly had a long and colorful history of both music and of service to their communities. “We’re pushy people, if you see something you want done, you go ahead and do it,  you do what you can”.  And being raised in this manner clearly yielded good results.

Her mother, Viola, and her aunt Margerite, along with another community member formed a musical trio called “Ladies of Note” who performed popular and classical music thorough out the Hood River area. Her aunt Dorothy was Judi’s first violin teacher.  Judi learned to read music before reading books and because her eyesight was poor when she was small she was only allowed to read once a week at the library. She started at the A's  in the children’s section and then would read as many books as possible before going home.

Saguaro Highschool String Orchestra

After attending The University of Portland and getting her Music Education degree she moved to Tucson in 1961 where she met and married her husband Doug at what she jokingly referred to as First Lien and Theft (First Loan and Thrift) a local Savings and Loan that preyed on the impoverished just as payday loan shops to today. She was admitted to the University of Arizona for graduate school with a valuable out-of-state tuition waiver in exchange for playing for the school orchestra. However, she was already professionally employed by the Tucson Symphony, and she was told by the UA to quite the TS because of ongoing rivalry. Judi refused and instead, applied to TUSD (Tucson Unified School District) for a teaching job. She found that the administrators were incredulous that she was applying for a secondary music teaching position. They did not believe that a woman was capable of directing a high school orchestra. She realized that she was living in the dark ages but instead of crumpling said “those were fighting words”! And this indomitable spirit truly marks everything Judi does.

In 1962 right after their marriage, Doug was drafted and they moved to Arlington, VA where he worked as an army stenographer in White House communications. Judi remembers the intensity of being in DC during the height of the cold war and when Kennedy was shot. She and Doug have been married 53 years in June.  After living in several locations Judi and her family returned to Tucson in 1974 and she was hired on full time to teach music and English in TUSD schools. Although Judi had a bumpy beginning with TUSD she went on to have a long and fruitful career leading thousands of children and teenagers to the bottomless well of music and all it brings. Judi has led orchestras in a number of different schools as well as continually teaching private students. She has working knowledge of every orchestral instrument, and has mastered all of the string instruments, but her favorite remains the violin.  She has taught many lessons to her students with music serving as a vehicle to teach the values of perseverance, of hard work, and believing in something greater than yourself.  “You can’t fail if you try – the only failure is doing nothing – not  trying.”  Judi has said this to her students for decades. A highlight of her musical education career was taking a full orchestra of Tucson students to Taiwan in 1984 for a musical exchange. In addition to teaching Judi has had a full career professionally performing with many local orchestras and groups including the Tucson Pops Orchestra,  The Tucson Symphony Orchestra, The Civic Orchestra, Arizona Opera, and many more.  

Opening Minds through Art (OMA) in Tucson

After retiring in 1997 Judi has turned her attention to other things. I’ve noticed that whatever she does, she does 500%.  She has worked as a volunteer at the University Medical Center during a number of jobs that aren't very appealing but are very necessary. These include every possible sort of paperwork organization, cataloging, filing, organizing the bio-hazard reports and more. Often working on tasks that no one else will touch Judi acknowledges that cuddling babies, and working with direct patient care could be more interesting but she is dedicated to performing work that others eschew and gets satisfaction from completing these tasks. She also enjoys her occasional stints at the reception desk directing visitors to the places and resources they are seeking.

In addition to her hospital work, during the past two years she has worked on the Arizona State Foster Care Board Review.  This is a volunteer position that requires stamina and a strong stomach. Judi and her compatriots on the board review the heart-breaking cases of children who have often fallen through the cracks and are at risk of perishing from neglect and apathy. They spend many hundreds of hours every year reading through the dense cases of individual children and then a full day every month  discussing them and making recommendations to the court.  Many know that our child welfare system is broken. Many fewer are doing anything at all to change it.  Judi and the other volunteers on 26 boards in the region are working doggedly to make sure that children do not languish in abusive and neglectful situations. There is a huge need for more volunteers in this area. And of course there is.  When I hear of the types of things she hears on a regular basis is it no wonder that most people might say “I care, but I could not listen to that level of tragedy.”  It’s a real downer.  But Judi Strayer continues to do her bit. I am in awe of her fortitude as well as her stamina. More so, her beautiful loving spirit and recognition that she still has so much to offer the world.

Back to the question of who volunteering really helps? According to Judi “ Most people who volunteer get as much out of it as they give. You get such positive feed back. They smile, they say thank you. At the hospital when I work the front desk you see all kinds of people, they struggle with language, some of them you have to take by the arm and lead them as they don’t know where to go in such a big place. But, they’re all very grateful, I find there are very few people who aren’t gracious.”  

When I asked about how tiring the foster care board must be she replied:  “We are not in touch with our deepest motivations. Sometimes I’d surely like to stay home and put my feet up and do nothing, but I find that if I do that then I feel worse for staying home and thinking about how I don’t feel good.  I don’t need the money, or need to be paid. I’m coming because I like to help and I know I can”

I believe that Judi is one of those people who will never stop caring about others, and most importantly, will continue to serve in whatever way she can. Question:  What is our duty to our fellow man?  The other beings that inhabit our planet?  The earth itself?  Is there something, anything, we can do, no matter how small it may seem?  I love this quote from Dr. Seuss: "To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world."

Namaste,

Felicia

Helpful Links From This Blog:

University Medical Center (UMC)

http://uahealth.com/ways-to-give/volunteer-programs

Superior Court Foster-Care Review Board Tucson, AZ  (FCRB)

www.azcourts.gov/FCRB/

Opening Minds Through Arts (OMA)  A program of TUSD to integrate music and art instruction with existing curriculum.
http://www.tusd1.org/contents/depart/oma/index.asp

TUSD Literacy Volunteer Program. Encouraging literacy in high-needs schools.
http://literacyconnects.org/readingseed/reading-seed-schools/tusd-schools-with-reading-seed/